I need to Apologize

I need to apologize

I need to apologize for not knowing how to raise my parents

How to raise up from the dead

How to raise up from the bed

How to raise four broken children

When to stop fighting

I need to apologize

For the time I swallowed all of my pills

After googling that it would not kill me

Because maybe it would work for me

This time

Last time

I need to apologize.

I need to apologize for making a home

To unbreak a heart

That was broken long before I was born

For thinking that therapy would heal me

For thinking that mental health meant mental help

And that meds would fix me

You see we are born and bred of pains and pleasure

And we keep reaching reaching for education that will teach us

How to heal

I need to apologize for going to school

To learn something that I had known all along

For believing that my mind would be stronger than my body

This body

This body in this second that was made of every good and bad decision all of my ancestors made

This body

Made perfect

For this moment

for this world

For the weight of all that ever happened

I need to apologize for thinking that thinking was wiser than sensing.

I need to apologize for never being real

Letting people know the deepest parts of me

But never all of me

You see,

Honesty is not supposed to be selective

Just like the stories written in our cells

You can either take it or leave it

You can’t carve out a person

Present it on a platter

To a group of perfect PERFECT strangers

And call yourself authentic

I need to apologize for believing that I died

In that overdose

And that I am reborn

When all that I am

all that I have ever been

And all that I will ever be

Are already written.