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Catch Me

I get this all the time: there are people out there who really know what they are talking about who clearly can't believe some of the shit I post! I mean, how could I dare say that men and women are constructed categories?! How is it possible that I cannot see how a penis is different than a vulva? How about the fact that we have different abilities to carry children?

Look, it's a lot simpler than it sounds. And me saying that this has all been made up to make us defensive about our truth-knowledge is just a tool to keep things exactly as they are. Because the moment we start questioning wtf is up with the way we were always raised (and our poor parents always thinking they were doing what was best), the whole think sort of crumbles down.

You ask me how I can say men should be allowed in women's bathrooms. Well, first of all: the bathrooms in my home allow men. And they are technically, typically, bathrooms that women use. And we have all been pretty safe here. I have never felt unsafe in my bathroom (except for a curious 4 year old trying to catch a glimpse at how tampons are inserted and how they disappear) but hey, consent is a matter or context. The men that I know you think are men only have a dick. And I have met many a penis on a woman. And I have learned that there are many other penises on women that I never knew or wanted to know existed. Because I don't demand that people show me their genitalia to interact with them. In fact, most of the time, the only people who ask about mine about to devour it.

So I think this should be a pretty stable rule: if you are not planning on trying to consume me, I should not be compelled to disclose my genital arrangement.

In my case specifically, I literally don't even need to know that information before trying to go to bed with someone. I have a way around vulvas, and around penises, and if the day came that I encountered something that was neither or both, I trust that I would be just fine with a little guidance.

So how do I define man? I first ask: by what profession, in what year and in which country? Because a neurologist knows what I know about similar gray matter. A geneticist knows what I know about variances in sex chromosomes. A sociologist knows about societal constructs. A trainer knows about testosterone in both vulva and penis-having bodies. Maybe an electrician may think they are different, or a mechanic, or an ice skater, or a football player. But not any of the people who study their differences.

!20 years ago, we thought a man was a person who wore pants... sometimes a person who was the big spoon. And we both know that with the amount of times that I have been the big spoon.... well. Maybe I could qualify.

Some countries nowadays even qualify different genders or orientations under different names that are not fixed. How about the number of straight men in this country that love to suck a dick, or do "clean-up" service or be cuckolded by their very legitimate wives... they don't technically get called gay but their behaviors could be deemed as such.

Let that be a lesson that I don't get to define someone else's life, like they don't get to define mine.

When I did my gender-bending photoshoot with @antheminart even my girlfriend had a comment to make about how that was not "me". I was not gender bending. I am cisgender in sooooo many ways, even the ways that insure their high heel collection. The question became why was it a change in my self-expression to go drag? What did this mean to others when it came to how they related to me? And why was it different than the way they related to me previously?

I would love to live in a world where we trust people to walk into the bathroom that they feel comfortable in. Hell, I would love to live in a country where my biggest concern is the wolf dressed like the granny waiting for me at home. But my biggest fear, and statistically my biggest threat, is the guy dancing next me at a club. The guy walking next to me in the parking lot. The cab driver that is taking me home.

So get it straight. It is not my vulva or lack thereof that dictates the behavior around me. It is not my gender performativity and the claim to a mini skirt that puts me in danger. It is the society that taught boys to "keep trying" because they want you to, and that told women that they should not ask so they don't look desperate.

And if you are getting all emotional about an issue that you have never even dove into, then maybe there is some insecurity there because you really don't know. I encourage you to turn that insecurity into curiosity. It's a lot less embarrassing when you are wrong this way.

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